I know a horrible idea when I see it.
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My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Not recommended for beginners.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle