pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
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‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day