if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
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me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom