[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
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I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
The news
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much