[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
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Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Super Hand Dog Face
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
@funTweeters
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
This bar smells like my childhood.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.