My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
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Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
This is the coolest video you will see today.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting