If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
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I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
This makes total sense…
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Is….Is this an option?
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.