Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
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Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.