How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
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Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?