First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
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Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”