me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
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Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
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