Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
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Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
doing your own taxes
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
best review i’ve ever seen
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.