Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
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Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*