Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
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If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
bugs when you lift up a rock
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color