Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
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When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.