My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
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I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?