Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
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Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
is it earth
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.