I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
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Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
LMAO.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up