never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
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Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼