ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
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hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
These aliens are taking forever.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal