[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
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“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
normalize having existential bread
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh