Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
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That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.