If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
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how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Brother?
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
😂💯
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
no one likes gloating
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.