my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
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Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.