Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
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I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.