A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
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Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Hmm, not sure about this change
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.