“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
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*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
This is the one
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention