*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
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I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?