Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
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My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.