Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
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Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
THIS HEADLINE
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.