had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
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Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
my mom making me talk to relatives
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.