#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
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*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
This trial is so absurd 😭
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Still cracks me up
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.