Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
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I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.