When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy