5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
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An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Not helping
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked