Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
You Might Also Like
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
new career option?
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Get in loser we’re going crying
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.