Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
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PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”