6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
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how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
God, I love Scotland
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running