I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
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[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”