[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
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[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
My inexpensive home security system…
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
🐕🍷
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”