My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
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Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
There is wisdom there.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
what does he know…
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
LOOOOOOL
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Seas the day!!!!
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂