my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
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Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
so weird how every mom was born today
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Don’t talk down to me
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am