Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
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My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.