Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
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I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
me adding lol on a serious message
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!