According to math, I’m broke
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[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!