My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
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cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
This checks out
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn