BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
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My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
I get distracted pretty eas
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.