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[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*