Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
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Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
My doctor says I only have one diabete.