I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
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“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
sir, my pâté if you please
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.